Strips Do Lie (Stripkira Feat. Highclef Jean)

A while ago, I wrote a fairly popular post (called Liar) about the revelation that test strips could read +/- 20% of reality and still be within FDA guidelines; the idea was that this was one more lie that people with diabetes have to deal with (and, in fact, deal with it several times a day). When you don't know where your glucose level really is, how can you properly manage yourself? I hear that the FDA is welcoming public comments on their proposed new guidelines for safer meters and strips (you can read about it at StripSafely, here). While I doubt they would publish the following, I thought that I've already gone the angry route, so why not the lighter route?

In my college years, "Hips Don't Lie" was omnipresent at the clubs on party nights (here it is for reference). It popped into my head the other day, and I thought, your hips don't lie? Well, my strips DO lie! 

Thus, I present to you: "Strips Do Lie," by rising pop star Stripkira, featuring Highclef Jean (though a part of me wishes it were Notorious D.O.C.). I did the best I could with the song's incredibly loose meter and rhyme scheme (I hate slant rhymes, but the original's full of them!):

Blood up in here tonight,

No Error Fiving, no Error Fiving

Capillary action up in here

No Error Fiving, no Error Fiving

Strip Safely, Strip Safely

I never really knew that strips could fail like this

Turns my chart data into gibberish

Am I high (si) or low (si)

Or somewhere in the middle (who knows, si) -

Strip Safely, Strip Safely

Oh strippy when you read like that

You make a woman go mad

So be wise and keep on

Reading the signs of my body

And I’m low tonight

My strips do lie

And I’m starting to see the light

All the aggravation, the tension,

You must see this is short of perfection

Hey strip, I can see your numbers changing

And it’s driving me crazy

You don’t seem to know where you are ranging

Accuracy is hazy

And when you have such a margin of error

Nobody can ignore the way you treat my body, strip

And everything so unexpected – one-test it, two-test it

And oh the numbers so different

Hey strip, I can see your numbers changing

In a forty percent span

And so I don’t really know what I’m doing

I can’t seem to make a plan

My will and self-restraint

Have come to fail now, fail now

See, I am doing what I can, but with bad info

That’s a bit too hard to calculate!

I never really knew that strips could fail like this

Turns my chart data into gibberish

Am I high (si) or low (si)

Or somewhere in the middle (who knows, si) -

Strip Safely, Strip Safely

Oh strippy when you read like that

You make a woman go mad

So be wise and keep on

Reading the signs of my body

And I’m low tonight

My strips do lie

And you know that isn't right

My life hangs on each injection,

You must see this is short of perfection

Oh you know I’m low tonight

My strips do lie

And it’s giving me a fright

If you’d be a little more accurate

Oh, I’d even change out my lancet

No Error Fiving

No Error Fiving

Strip Safely

Strip Safely

Ode to an Insulin Pump (D-Blog Week Day 6: Diabetes Art Day)

Today's D-Blog Week prompt:

This year Diabetes Art moves up from the Wildcard choices as we all channel our creativity with art in the broadest sense. Do some “traditional” art like drawing, painting, collage or any other craft you enjoy. Or look to the literary arts and perhaps write a d-poem or share and discuss a favorite quote. Groove to some musical arts by sharing a song that inspires you diabetes-wise, reworking some song lyrics with a d-twist, or even writing your own song. Don’t forget dramatic arts too, perhaps you can create a diabetes reality show or play. These are just a starting point today – there are no right or wrong ways to get creative!

This is tough for me, as most of my blog seems to already be diabetes art of some kind! You could check out the beginning of a mystery novel here, song parodies here and here, or the beginning of a diabetes Law and Order episode here (I will finish that someday, but I don't have the energy right now)! I get intimidated by art prompts, as I consider myself (or have been considered to be; sometimes I doubt myself) some kind of writer. I actually have a short diabetes-based relationship play I wrote back in mid-college when I was trying to figure things out for myself; I'd post it but I'd probably embarrass myself.  So today you get something quick and dirty: a Shakespearean sonnet parody (okay, I might be one of few people who call a Shakespearean sonnet parody quick and dirty). Diabetes seems to lend itself to Shakespeare; it's full of both wild comedy and high tragedy. If you want to quibble about the occasional extra syllable leading to a "feminine ending" of a line, I say it adds to the analysis, as a "feminine ending" often relates to indecision or distress.  Anyway, now that I've analyzed myself, I leave you with:

Ode to an Insulin Pump

Shall I compare thee to a pancreas?
Thou art external and more temperamental
Rough numbers do shake me as the hours pass
And homeostasis, achieved, seems incidental

Sometime too high the glucose rises up
And my once-pale complexion turns to rose
Or dropping fast, an orange-juice-filled cup
Must quell my shakes ‘fore everybody knows

Thy Bolus Wizard magics up a dose
Thy Basal, steadfast on its course it stays
And though you help me as I keep you close
Still, I feel you are shortening my days

My true one vanished, leaving but my fears:
That cruel promise, to “wait but five more years!”


-Ilana