Today's topic is: "Change The World" - what diabetes issues are you passionate about?
When we talk about changing the world, there’s a lot of emphasis on the big picture; drastically improving our lives, finding a cure, creating a more affordable diabetic world. On a day-to-day basis, however, we think and post a lot about the small annoyances of diabetes, partially because there are a lot of them. Broken site. Pharmacy mix-up. Insulin skunked. Supply cost. Error five. High. Low. Out of glucose tablets. Out of time. Out of patience. Buzzing inappropriately in class. Buzzing appropriately when some idiot says something stupid.
We get told to think big, think about the future; to not
sweat the small stuff in life, but there’s a lot of small stuff worth sweating.
Sometimes the stuff we sweat seems disproportionate to the
amount we sweat it. Example: Me, at the eye doctor. I have a phobia of things
touching my eyes. Blood? Surgery? Injections? A little scary, maybe, but a walk
in the park compared to the small stuff: eye drops. But if I look at the big picture, it symbolizes fear of
things I can’t control; fear of a loss of vision, and, with that, a loss of connection
with others.
Sometimes, I think the reason I rant/post/tweet/think about
the small stuff disproportionately, is because the big stuff is too scary, too
multifaceted, too overwhelming.
If you listen closely, though, you’ll hear volumes. Each
small thing raises its voice, and speaks as a symptom of a larger problem that
we might not want to fully think about, or might not even be able to understand
fully.
Let’s break it down. Let’s listen.
Broken site: pain. Reminds me of my broken body. Ruined day.
How do I get back down? How many days is diabetes going to ruin? What if this
happens on my wedding day? What if something like this kills me?
Pharmacy mix-up: I can’t believe my life depends on other
people to this extent, and that I need permission to buy the thing I need to
live, and that I can run out of it and my life can be in danger because of a
mix-up. How can insulin be such a dangerous, controlled substance, and yet so
vital? What if something like this kills me?
Insulin skunked: I’m so fragile when it comes to ecological
events and even weather conditions. How could I survive a zombie apocalypse
when sitting in the sun can deactivate the substance I need to live? How can I
walk the line between the number of proscribed degrees I’m allowed to live in?
If climate change destroys society as we know it, how long will I be able to go
on? What if production stops? I can’t siphon the pancreases of roaming farm
animals. What if something like this kills me?
Supply cost: why do I get punished for something beyond my
control? Why, even with a great health care system, are prescriptions not
covered? Why am I limited in where I can live based on the health care system
of that country? Am I a drain on society? Am I seen as second-class, a “taker,”
if I get help from the government? How can I spend my life as a consumer of
expensive health resources? Why am I more valuable to corporations as a constantly-purchasing
chronic illness than a cured, functioning human being? (What if that sort of
thinking kills me?)
Error five: I’ve bled for no reason. I’ve lost money and
vital fluid and I have to do it again. I wonder what it’s like not seeing your
own blood all the time, even though I just failed at bleeding enough. You had
one job, lancet. How can this be my day-to-day? Who knows if the strip will lie
to me even if I get enough blood on it, and tell my I’m a number that I’m not?
And what if something like that kills me?
Out of glucose tablets: Why is it part of life to have to
shake and feel faint every once in a while? Now I’m sweating the actual
sweating. Why do I have to eat the equivalent of candy I don’t even want, which
derails any sort of weight loss progress? What if this happens in a public
place, at an important meeting, a performance? What if it impacts my career
advancement? What if I’m embarrassed? What if it happens at my wedding? What if
it happens in a private place and there’s nobody around to help me? What if
something like that kills me?
Misconceptions: How can people so fundamentally judge and
misunderstand each other? How can people with similar conditions be so divisive
in a rush to be the more sympathetic case? How can simple facts be so twisted
and misinterpreted for the sake of a cruel joke, a hoax, or personal gain? And
what if something like that kills me?
The refrain is constantly there. The small stuff is the
heartbeat pumping the lifeblood of diabetes: the fear inherent in every move we
make. The small stuff is the big stuff. The big stuff is the small stuff. We
are made of atoms, and capillaries, and the tiniest prickles on the skin. When
we complain about the small stuff, we are saying: we are here. We are saying:
we are scared. We are saying: listen. We aren’t saying the small stuff is always life or death, but
contained within the small stuff is life and death, over and over. Our bodies
have memories and we tread the same paths again and again, searching for a way
out. When we find that way out, it will begin with one small step.
Each one of us, each, with our individual stories, our daily
annoyances; each of us is the small stuff in a national, global, universal
dance. But together, we contain multitudes.
Let’s sweat the small stuff together.
Powerful stuff. You are so right about everything. What's sad is that you're so right about all of these things. Very well said.
ReplyDeleteI love this post...it's so true. Very well said indeed! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way to look at things. Every "small" thing is so important and every "small" voice has the potential to create big change.
ReplyDeleteSO TRUE! (I need a bigger font!)
ReplyDeleteAs usual, you are able to articulate what I think so many of us skirt around. I love this idea of listening to what's not being said. This is a fabulous post, Ilana. Also, LOL at "You had one job, lancet." Truth be told though, my lancets are so overworked that they deserve a vacation.
ReplyDeleteGreat way of putting things, I liked how you frame it all so well!
ReplyDeleteIf only more people could understand how so many of these "small" things can become such a "big" deal for a PWD. Thanks for your great post!
ReplyDeleteI hate that diabetics really are so "fragile" that everything has lifelong implications, even things as small as a pharmacy tech making a mistake. Our lives are always going to be more expensive than most, and slightly limited in some ways. Every meal is a math test, and it does weight on me. I try to make jokes about it, but shit scares me. I'm thankful for everyone who lets me vent on their Twitter feed. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat Post! My husband and I already have a plan worked out to get insulin when the zombies come. ;-)
ReplyDeleteVery niice blog you have here
ReplyDelete